Fantasy Blues 2013: Week 1

by Iggy

Hi, Melo. Bye, Melo. (photo from nydailynews.com)

Hi, Melo. Bye, Melo. (photo from nydailynews.com)

Nope, it’s still here. My high for Breaking Bad is still lingering, weeks after the finale. Add an 8-1 opening week victory to that, and you’ve got me imitating one of Bill Simmons’ tried-and-tested schticks. Breaking Bad is chock full of quotes both chilling and hilarious, and most of them can aptly describe the highlights and lowlights of the past week. Without further ado:

“I chose a half-measure when I should have gone all the way. I’ll never make that mistake again. No more half-measures, Walter.”
This is my mantra for this fantasy season. No more half-measures.

“You’re an insane, degenerate piece of filth, and you deserve to die.”
My first major trade for this season is bigger than Huell’s body mass—my top pick, Carmelo Anthony, for Marc Gasol. I threw in Cody Zeller in the deal, in return for Trey Burke (still injured, but has a higher upside). This is pretty lopsided against my favor (my trade partner jumped all over this), but this trade was made for my sanity. I most definitely do not want to sit through Melo’s 5-of-27 shooting nights, with no defensive stats across his name. I’d rather have the quiet stability of Marc Gasol, with his ho-hum (but consistent) 14-8-4-1-2 stat lines with excellent percentages. Besides, I’ve got scoring covered, with players like Jamal Crawford, Arron Afflalo and Caron Butler on my bench. Melo is a degenerate piece of filth, and he deserves to go.

“I am not in danger. I am the danger!”
Walt’s badass quote is for me, after I pulled off the Melo-for-Gasol trade. My vision for my team is coming to fruition; all I need is another point guard and I’m set. Watch out, Peers Pantasya Liga! I am the danger! Say my name! *cackles*

“You’re a time bomb. Tick, tick, ticking and I have no intention of being around for the boom.”
There’s no doubt as to who this quote is referring to (in the show, it’s Walter)—Josh Smith. This early, I’m weeding out the bad eggs on my team. Melo was the first to go, and Smith is next. His FG% and FT% are crapshoots every time he plays, and I’m not going to roll the dice with him. I’d like a Jeff Teague or a Gordon Hayward in return for the threes and steals they’ll provide, but so far, I can’t move him. Someone take Smith from me, please.

“A man provides. And he does it even when he’s not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he’s a man.”
…and while I’m intent on removing Josh Smith from my team, I have to say, he still provides. In three games, he’s averaged 19pts, 6.5rebs, 5asts, 1.5stls and 2blks. He’s making it extremely difficult to part with him, but I’m on to him. He’ll submarine my shooting percentages in the future, I can feel it. Much like how Gus Fring knew that Walt was trouble from the start.

solecollector.com

Photo from solecollector.com

“Tight, tight tight!”
Tuco’s immortal meth-sniffing quote is bestowed upon Anthony Davis and Damian Lillard, incidentally the top two rookies last year. Davis is a beast. To give you an idea, here’s one of his lines for the week: 25-8-4-6-6, 69% FG, 87%FT. With only 2 TOs, that’s a monstrous 8-cat line. As for Lillard, he opened his season with 32 big points with 6 threes. Injuries will be the only thing that slows these two down, so I’m going to find a block of wood and knock on it repeatedly until my knuckles bleed.

“You two tight?”
“We’re two nuts in a ball sack, yo!”
To Lance Stephenson, whom I had the good fortune of claiming off the waiver wire after someone dropped him for unknown reasons (maybe it’s because he’s Lance Stephenson). The puzzling thing is, Lance just had a 19-7-5 with 1 block and 2 threes when someone dropped him, so I jumped all over him. He didn’t disappoint: he’s averaging 19pts, 6.7rebs, 4asts, 3 threes per game and 60% shooting. I like him already. Two nuts in a ball sack, yo!

“If that’s true—if you don’t know who I am—then maybe your best course is to tread lightly.”
To Caron Butler, who I plucked off the waiver wire a week ago. I seriously don’t know what to expect from him, as reports on his role in the Bucks offense are varying. I’ve never owned him either, so I’m not sure what he brings to the table. Based on his stats last year, he can provide me with points, threes and some rebounds. Vanilla stats. Either way, I can always cut him for a hot free agent, or he’ll force my hand when his next injury comes around (hey, at least I know that about him).

"Hey man, this is the number of weeks I'll miss." (photo courtesy of zimbio.com)

“Hey man, this is the number of weeks I’ll miss.” (photo courtesy of zimbio.com)

“That’s what the kids call ‘epic fail.’”
Terrible week for Goran Dragic. First, he suffers a facial contusion in his second game this week, forcing him to leave the game. He avoids serious injury, and he’s back in action Sunday…only to roll his ankle in the third quarter. The injury looks pretty serious, so he’s bound to miss a couple of weeks. Shit luck. Now I’m down to one point guard in my lineup, with both Dragic and Burke sidelined.

“Well? Get back to work.”
Is there any other TV villain more heartless than Gus Fring? This quote, directed at Walt and Jesse right after he’d sliced his top henchman’s throat with a box cutter, never fails to send chills down my spine. Anyway, after that big Dragic injury that could potentially derail me in the assists and steals categories, there’s no other choice but to get back to work. Find a replacement for him, grit your teeth, and hope for the best. In the words of the immortal KG, “We scrappin’. That’s what we doin’ right here. We scrappin’.”